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Cookie Cutter Syndrome

Thu, 18 Aug 2022 23:28:53 GMT

The Cookie Cutter Syndrome: How Comparison Stifles Happiness

If I were to ask you to imagine a freshly baked tray of cookies hot out of the oven.

What comes to mind?

Chocolate chip or macadamia nut, or sugar doodles are some that come to my mind. There are so many cookies to choose from, and the possibilities are endless.

My twelve-year-old son decided to make his first batch of cookies. He gathered all the ingredients, put them all together, and formed cookies. He put them in the oven and waited the time. And when he pulled them out, the cookies were flat as a pancake. They were a flop!

And they tasted amazing!

Compared to other cookies, they didn’t measure up. They weren’t perfect. They are not made with a cookie-cutter, and they are not shaped perfectly. So are they not good cookies?

Often we compare ourselves to others. We look through social media platforms looking at how we should go on vacations, travel on sensational trips, wear our hair, clothes, and what the “social norms” should be. As soon as we compare ourselves with other people and their successes compared to ourselves. We can never measure up.

We are not cookie-cutter-perfect version human beings. And when we compare ourselves to others, we only stifle our ability to be happy with who we are and what we have. We are not meant to be “just like another person” or “keep up with the Joneses.” Comparing ourselves with others will never bring us Happiness.

When we compare ourselves, we spend a lot of energy trying to conform and compete with others. So much energy that we don’t have time to choose things that make us happy. When we use our energy to seek something that we find joy in or help us create and connect to other people, we can stop using the cookie-cutter comparison to destroy our well-being.

Here are ways to do to stop comparing ourselves and destroying our peace:

Recognize and make a note of things you are grateful for each day.

- Make a list or even pick out one thing a day you are thankful for in your day. It can change how you look at things.

2. Practice positive thinking.

- Picking a positive saying or mantra can be hard at first. But you will find as you use it, it will become more and more believable and will change how you feel about yourself.

3. Move towards things that bring you closer to your values and goals.

- When we choose activities based on our goals and what we value, they become more helpful and make us feel better about using our time. Having a value-centered life can motivate us to keep doing what will bring us to our ultimate goals.

4. Learn to be compassionate with yourself when you feel discouraged.

- Even a small gesture such as a hand on your heart or saying the words May I be kind to myself” can help our self-esteem.

5. Make a victory journal and take note of things you feel like you have accomplished.

- Writing down what we feel we have accomplished in a day or achieving a goal, we can celebrate things we can do.

Here is the secret. We, as humans, are not all made from the same cookie cutter. And our imperfections are what make us unique. We are all different qualities, and by celebrating our uniqueness, we can see how much worth we have and how beautiful we are. No cookie-cutter comparisons are needed!

- Karmen Tuivai, LCSW

How to Find a Therapist

hello@brookhaven.co (Brook Ibanez) — Mon, 15 Aug 2022 22:35:38 GMT

Finding The Right Therapist For You

Living along the Utah Wasatch Front has its perks. We have majestic mountains that provide nearby opportunities for hiking, camping, fishing, skiing or just taking a gorgeous drive on any given day. We have a strong sense of community and the world’s best drive-thru services for non-alcoholic mixed drinks �� The truth is, there is a lot of beauty here that can go a long way in supporting your mental health. There are still times, however, that you may need the support of a professional as you navigate hard times or life transitions.

If you have tried getting into therapy recently, you probably know that these services are in high demand right now. You may be on a wait-list to get into therapy. Maybe you have even just given up trying. We are here to help you find someone that can help.

We are here to help you find a therapist along the Wasatch Front that is a good fit for you, and who you can get into quickly. Here are some tips:

If you are comfortable sharing that you are seeking therapy, ask your family and friends for referrals. Ask what they did and didn’t like about therapists they have gone to in the past. Ask who they think would be a good fit for you. Personal referral is a great way to find a therapist who you can work well with.
If the therapist you would like to see is packed with clients and a long wait list, consider seeing someone that they personally mentor/supervise. You might feel like a more experienced clinician would naturally be more helpful to you, but often, the therapist who is up and coming is a really great option.. For one thing, they have more recently received their education, which means they have often learned the latest techniques and methods. Newer therapists also come with the benefit of having a second pair of eyes on the services they are providing to you. It’s like getting two therapists for the price of one! *(Don’t worry, you will typically only meet with one therapist for treatment.. But a newer therapist will meet regularly with their supervisor to discuss your therapy, and they will be mentored in how to provide the best services to you).
Take advantage of free consultations. Most reputable therapists are willing to talk to you for a free 15 minute phone consultation, so you can both determine if you are a good fit for each other. Come to the consultation prepared to share an overview of what you are seeking help with, and with any questions you have about the clinician, or therapy in general.
Go in with an understanding that while there will be discomfort in therapy, it’s important to find a therapist you feel you can trust to understand what you need and help you get to where you are hoping to go. If you don’t feel this way with the first therapist you meet with, keep looking. Don’t give up if you don’t feel this on the first try.
Know what the different credentials mean. Sometimes we have people calling looking for a psychologist or psychiatrist, when in reality, they are looking for a mental health therapist. Because psychologists and psychiatrists are very specialized and require a PhD, you will often have to wait longer to see them than you would for a clinician who solely provides therapy (due to less people having these qualifications). Professionals who are licensed to provide therapy generally have a Masters Degree and may be called LCSW, CSW, LMFT, MFT, LMHC or MHC. The “L” before any of these means that the clinician is fully, independently licensed, while the lack of an “L” means the provider is finished with their degree, but still accumulating hours toward full licensure.
Use the Psychology Today “therapist finder” tool. This is a free resource that many therapists are listed on. You can search by location, credentials, specialties, payments, insurance, etc. Look for somebody who is currently “Accepting New Clients”. You can also contact a therapist who is not accepting new clients, and ask them for a referral to someone with a similar skill set.

We hope these tips will help you receive therapy when you need it.

- Brooke Ibanez LCSW

At Brookhaven Counseling & Wellness, due to our recent expansion, we are in the unique position of having current openings with experienced therapists. You can read about each of our clinicians at www.brookhaven.co , or call/text us at 385-220-0770 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with one of our therapists. We look forward to hearing from you! ��

Helga Pataki & the Five Avengers

Tue, 12 Jul 2022 15:55:44 GMT

Some 30 years ago I brought home my first babies. I actually left for the hospital well aware I was 6 weeks from my due date, having serious contractions. That was a mere introduction to the unknown that awaited me. After an exhausting delivery we met our 3lb beautiful baby girl. Unbeknownst to anyone 3 minutes later I gave birth to a second baby girl. You caught that right? Not a soul expected twins, SURPRISE. As they grew I called them my wild angels, and they were. I’m pretty sure they coined the phrase “just do it!” by the time they hit 2.

My oldest I nicknamed Helga Pataki and the 5 avengers. She could meet a peer or a teacher head on. Mostly with skillful wording and occasionally the five avengers got involved. If you didn’t earn her respect, it wasn’t gifted. Cute in the 4th grade, concerning in the 8th grade by high school YOWZA. We met on the battle ground most days in the land mine she called her bedroom. I made it a mission to run as far as I could to the other side of her disdain and disregard so I could balance it with demands of seeing it from the other side grounding like that would elicit penance. She was the child I sat at the foot of my bed and bitterly sobbed at the mediator known as father husband and said, “One of us is leaving this house, her or me.” He encouraged me to be patient because she needed us but I could not survive her. When she moved out a year after high school the not knowing freed me to just have a 3 hour Sunday dinner with her.

John Bowlby is known as the father of attachment. He said human beings need one another for safety and security. I started thinking of that statement in terms of evolution from cavemen, tribes, platoons, and families. I realized my angst was about the disruption in my own clan. It scared and frankly threatened me and I was acting on that with fear and defensiveness. This little lady to be fair was just the first to be thinning the fortress of my grand plan for our safety and security. We hand a child the tribe's rules, ethos, and culture of our family and they are supposed to hold it in reverence and take it forward. We all expect to be beneficiaries of “keep the tribe secure and safe,” and I was defeated on every front; religion, politics, piercings, global views, women's roles. Was every part of our family world passé?

I recently met a Germanic term for how I began feeling. Schadenfreude which “simply means pleasure or joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune.” I wanted her to feel a sorrowful loss, meet with the misfortune of her counter choices and run back to me with a hug and a hammer and nails to repair the family fence. Years later in one of those never forget conversations we sat in a car outside of her own home and talked for 3 hours. Then she kissed my cheek and said, “Mom there’s a saying that applies to me, sometimes when you can’t feel the warmth of the village you will burn the village down to feel its warmth.” I still tear up when I see it clearly from her experience. This was not what I wanted any child to ever feel. I thought I had dedicated my life to creating geborgenheit! This is another Germanic word relating to a feeling of warmth, peace, comfort and certainly security and safety in my presence. I have spent many hours asking myself what can I live with and hold love and what can I live without and lose? My tribe wanders the Utah desert in their own family constellations. They bring an evolving culture, spirit, and ethos back to us. I want to tell you Helga and I are “besties” but that is too Hallmark for this story. We are still finding ourselves because she refuses to stop evolving as do I, and I love it with a little wincing. So would you trust your connections to a therapist who is still polishing rough edges? I hope so, most of us are.

I like it messy. Chaos really is fertile ground for change. Pick up the earth you are standing on, running from or buried in. Bring it in on your dirty shoes, if you have a desire to find, or redefine yourself and one another. PS Helga Pataki from the cartoon Hello Arnold in the 90s was a character inspired by the great activist and trail blazer for so many human rights, Frida Kahlo. Go figure, that’s my girl.

Terri Rowley, LCSW

The Hope Experiment: Five Ways to Find Healing and Resilience

Mon, 11 Jul 2022 22:18:33 GMT

In the 1050’s psychologist Curt Richter conducted a brutal experiment on rats. He took the first group, placed them in buckets with water, and watched them swim until they drowned. The rat would swim for 2 minutes and then die. In the next group of rats, he did the same thing, let them swim until they almost drowned and he would pick them up and save them right before they were going to die. Then he would place them in the water again, and they would swim another several hours, 60 to be exact, not giving up like the first group of rats.

The rat experiment shows us that there is hope in desperate times. There is an innate ability within each of us to survive when we feel like we are drowning. When we feel like giving up, there is a part in us, like these rats swimming in the water, giving us the strength we need to keep swimming in troubled times. We can find within ourselves to keep enduring even when we feel hopelessness and pain. We can find hope.

Here are five coping skills to help us find hope in difficult times and painful feelings. Here are five ways to navigate through traumatic events with resilience:

Make space for your feelings. When we make space for our feelings, we can acknowledge that we have feelings, and then we allow them to be there with us. We can look at our feelings in a non-judgemental way, allowing ourselves to accept what we feel. We can notice and name our feelings like, “This is sadness.” Furthermore, we can acknowledge that the experience of sadness is what we are feeling. We can take note of our feelings, thoughts and body sensations. Where do we feel the sadness in our body? How do we feel the emotion, and what is it telling us?
Seek support. We can seek support from a trusted friend or therapist; this is time to ask for help. Finding someone you can talk to, and confide in, can be good for your heart and help your mind.
Find reasons to live. Finding what you value and are passionate about can help give you hope. Whether it is a painting class or starting to train for your first marathon, when we have something to look forward to, something to want to do, it makes living easier. Pick out and having goals for a life worth living is an excellent way to generate hope.
Start a Gratitude Log. Finding things that we can be grateful for can help us heal. It can be as simple as picking one thing a day that you are grateful for or something we loved about our day. When we look for the good in our lives, we can help our brain to rewire itself, and our patterns of thinking can change from self-defeating thoughts to positive thinking. When we can look at the good in our lives, we can begin to change our patterns of thinking. We see good more readily, and we can see the world from gratitude and thankful perspective.
Get out in Nature. Studies show that when we can get out in nature, it can be as good as therapy. Try a mindful walk in nature. Listen to the wind as the leaves move in the trees. Notice the different colours you see, feel the rocks and sand on the beach and be as present as you can in nature. In an experiment using an fMRI to measure brain activity, “When participants viewed nature scenes, the parts of the brain associated with empathy and love lit up, but when they viewed urban scenes, the parts of the brain associated with fear and anxiety were activated. It appears as though nature inspires feelings that connect us and our environment.” Nature can affect us; even as small as a plant in a room makes a difference in a study.

In A.A. Milne’s book, Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin says, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you will ever know." Sometimes we feel like the mouse in the experiment. We are swimming, and we feel like we are drowning. We have no control over our circumstances. We feel hopeless and exhausted by our fears, worries and emotions. Our struggle may seem hopeless, but in the struggle comes strength; we had no idea we are capable of.

Acknowledge and make room in your heart to accept what you are feeling. Search for the support of someone close to you or a therapist. Keep moving forward towards the things you love most. Look for things to be grateful for in a simple small everyday experience. Get out in nature and mindfully notice what is around you. You may feel like you are struggling, but there is hope. You have the capacity to make it through trauma. Like the mouse in the experiment, you can keep swimming--You can do this!

References

The Remarkable Power of Hope Posted on May 7, 2014, by Joseph T. Halliman in Psychology Today The Remarkable Power of Hope

How Does Nature Impact our Well Being? By Louise Delagran, MA, MEd Found on July 29th at https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/how-does-nature-impact-our-wellbeing

Karmen Tuivai, LCSW

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Wed, 25 May 2022 20:05:44 GMT

“Wherever you go, there you are”

My dad said this to me a lot while I was growing up. I thought he was being funny. It took me awhile to catch on, and it wasn’t until I was well into adulthood that it dawned on me that that the truth in these words was, and is, profound.

This reality is something that many of us overlook as we seek fulfillment in the next relationship, job, home, car, vacation, or whatever elusive source of joy that may seem to be just around the river bend. The grass always seems to be greener over there. In reality though, the grass is only as green as we allow it to be once we arrive.

Think about that for a minute.

How many times have you longed for a chance at a fresh start, only to find yourself back in the same mess you were trying to escape when you fled the scene the last time around? Have you ever started to feel like you are living in your own version of the movie Ground Hog Day? I know I have. Plenty of times.

I have news for you, my friend. Until you figure out how to take responsibility for the one constant thing in this equation- (pssst: that would be YOU)- the same patterns (ahem, problems) will happen over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…. Well, you get the point.

It might look and feel like other people and/or circumstances are doing the things to you. Others might even buy into this theory with you. But if you look very closely, and with an objective view, you will start to see that YOU are the one constant factor that has always been there, and this simple fact is not insignificant.

I am not saying that bad things don't happen to good people, or that you have control over all the things that come your way. (Just for the record, I believe you are a good person, dysfunction and all). What I am saying, is that if you have similar problems in relationship after relationship, or if you have one bad investment after another, or you keep losing jobs, etc, those are patterns that all involve you. And that is something to think about.

I say this with love and respect. Because I want the best for you. And the best thing for you is that you figure this out and have a better life, a life with greener grass. You are the only one who can do it.

Because wherever you go, there you are (Thanks dad...I think I got it!)

More Later-

Brooke

If you live in Utah County and would like some help working on you (greening up your own grass) give me a call or text for a free 15 minute consultation 385-220-0770. Or email me at brooke@brookhaven.co

Leaning Into Fear

Wed, 25 May 2022 20:04:44 GMT

Growth

Brookhaven Counseling turned 2 years old a few weeks ago. I really can’t believe it’s been 2 years already. Those years flew right by, just like they did when my babies were born, and somehow turned into toddlers (and then teens!) overnight.

Starting my own practice looked difficult and scary before I actually did it. Even so, something inside me knew this was the way I needed to head. In the beginning, I thought I was just creating a side gig, a place where I could practice and hone my therapy skills alongside my full time “real” job. I knew I was a good therapist, and that I had a valuable service to offer to people in my community. But even with this kind of insight into myself, it was still so intimidating to put myself out there. To be vulnerable enough to allow other people let me know if they saw my services as valuable enough to pay for them. Eek.

Sometimes I look at my life and think “is this really what I was scared of?”I feel a deep sense of gratitude for how well things have gone.

A little over a year ago, things were exploding at Brookhaven, in a good way. I knew I had to make a decision. I couldn’t continue doing both my full time job and my practice. It was too much. I quickly knew which one it would have to be, as I had fallen in love with my practice. The fear came out to play again though. It was one thing to have a side gig with extra money coming in. But an entirely different matter to give up a full time, reliable salary with full benefits. Again, something inside me spoke louder than my fears, and I took the leap. It was the BEST.DECISION.EVER. My work life balance finally fell into place. My finances improved. My stress level decreased significantly. Being in charge of myself and my business was one of the most empowering things I ever gifted myself. It has been an amazing year since Brookhaven became my one and only “real” job.

My friends, today I find myself at another crossroad. Things have gone so well in my little practice that I have become overwhelmed with a wait list that seems to grow by the day. I have started dreaming of being able to help more people and have more of a positive impact on my community than I can possibly do alone. I have also realized that I miss the camaraderie of coworkers. There is so much value, especially in this field, to have people at work to bounce ideas off, celebrate the wins with, and to vent to every now and then.

Once again, I am leaving my comfort zone, which has been oh so very comfortable. I am venturing into the great unknown as I nudge Brookhaven to expand into something more than just myself. It is exciting and thrilling and once again terrifying. The good thing about the fear this time, is I am becoming friends with it. It’s the same fear I had starting out, and the same fear I had when I made the decision to quit my full time job. This time I am learning to welcome this fear because I know it means that I have the opportunity to discover even more about myself and my community, and the meaningful contributions I have to offer.

What amazing thing are YOU scared to do? What incredible thing is fear keeping you from even trying? What would happen if that thing actually worked out for you? What fear do YOU need to learn to make friends with? I would love to hear your answer in the comments, or in a message. Leaning into my fear and allowing myself to be scared, while still doing the thing, has been one of the most valuable lessons I have learned on my own journey. I hope this can be helpful to you in some way on yours.

Also, if you are an awesome therapist or know one who might want to be part of the Brookhaven story, here is the link to our job posting:

https://www.indeedjobs.com/brookhaven-counseling/_hl/en_US?cpref=JXWAtnzf3XWjLOi4YeVNLqF8RN6a-VzuaRhc74h1onE

What is EMDR Therapy?

Wed, 25 May 2022 20:03:48 GMT

EMDR, Trauma, and Anxiety

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR therapy is an integrative psychotherapy approach and has been developed and proven effective for trauma, anxiety, and depression through extensive research. EMDR therapy has been recognized as an effective treatment by national and international organizations, such as the American Psychiatric Association, U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA), U.S. Department of Defense (DoD), Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), and World Health Organization (WHO).

EMDR therapy is an evidence-based psychotherapy method based on the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) Model. The AIP Model suggests that our ability to effectively cope with our current experiences is heavily influenced by the way past experiences are stored in our brain. Generally, our brains are able to process life experiences fully, allowing us to cope with and respond effectively to the events in our lives. However, when we experience trauma and other stressful experiences, our brains sometimes become overwhelmed, leading us to process those experiences in an incomplete way. This in turn causes the memories to be stored as if we are still in those experiences, including feelings, images, thought patterns and bodily sensations. As a result, these past memories are triggered by our daily experiences, causing us to behave in ways that are ineffective for us.

So what does this all mean? You have probably seen an action movie where the main character is driving and being chased by bad guys. Imagine you are the main character and your partially processed memories are bad guys. You keep driving in your effort to get to safety, away from the bad guys. This is comparable to you not being able to be fully present in your current experience, because you always feel you are running from the bad guys. It may feel like they are hitting your car from behind as they catch up to you. Because you are primarily looking for ways to get to safety, you are only able to look in your rearview mirror momentarily, catching glimpses of what is going on behind you. And you certainly don’t have many resources that allow you to enjoy the present moment, or look forward to the road ahead of you. The only thing you can do in those moments is to try to outrun the bad guys, never being able to feel safe, until after they are somehow stopped.

EMDR therapy is a proven and effective way to stop those “bad guys” and allow you to drive your metaphorical car in the present with peace, handling problems as they arise, but no longer living in the past. As you heal you will be able to see the bad guys getting farther away through the rearview mirror, no longer creating a threat to you. You will be able to more fully experience the present, and you will also be able to more clearly see the road ahead and the possibilities that are before you.

Just as the main characters in the movies have courage and tools to take care of their problems and reach places of peace and safety, EMDR therapy, along with your courage, may be the tool to finally help you see more clearly your past, present, and future, as you begin your healing process.

At Brookhaven Counseling, we have the tools to help you deal with your trauma, including EMDR. Schedule a free consult with one of our skilled and caring therapists today!

EMDR Therapy Information

Wed, 25 May 2022 20:02:27 GMT

What is EMDR Therapy?

Generally, our brains are able to process life experiences fully, allowing us to cope with and respond effectively to the events in our lives. However, when we experience trauma and other stressful experiences, our brains sometimes become overwhelmed, leading us to process those experiences in an incomplete way. This in turn causes the memories to be stored as if we are still in those experiences, including feelings, images, thought patterns and bodily sensations. As a result, these past memories are triggered by our daily experiences, causing us to behave in ways that are ineffective for us.

EMDR therapy focuses on the memory networks that seem to be driving current symptoms and distress. Once those memory networks have been identified, the information held in these networks, including distressing images, beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, are stimulated through the brain’s own information processing system.

The disturbing memory can then link up to other adaptive memory networks and thus become integrated as part of our personal narrative without the previously held level of distress. As these memories move to adaptive resolution, we notice healthier responses to current life stressors and a greater sense of safety, belonging, and esteem in

relationships and life in general.

EMDR therapy is accepted by many psychological and psychiatric associations as the treatment of choice for trauma. In 2013, The World Health Organization (WHO) recommended EMDR therapy as an empirically validated and effective trauma

treatment.